Last night a friend of mine told me that I would find the strength to get through this mess of a life I have right now...later on I sat and thought about this and came to this conclusion......
How can I find the strength to go on if I can't find the strength to let go?
I have so much in my past that haunts me and paves the road before me. Through my recent struggles I guess I have had a really hard time letting go of my dream. That dream would be a family. I didn't really have a "family" type setting while growing up and I wanted that for my little girl. I stayed in a terrible relationship for too long trying to make it work so that way she wouldn't have to go through what I did. I know now that I should have left a long time ago and we both would be better off now. Instead, I hung on and sucked it up, dealt with humiliation, hurt, anger and lonliness only to end up without that dream. I am scared to start over, to let go and let it be. I am scared my daughter will never know what a true family is and it saddens me. I lie awake at night praying that God will provide for us and let me be the Mom, the person, that I need to be for my daughter and myself but right now...I just feel alone in this world. I have no idea what my next step is or where I am going. I pray that I find the answers soon because I feel like giving up, throwing in the towel but I know that I can't do that and I am reminded of that each time I look at my little girl. I hope God gives me the strength and helps me see where I am supposed to be headed.
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I wish I knew the answer for you, or some formula to make everything better. But, I don't think a person could ever forget and just move on from things you have experienced. I do believe, however, that through the grace of God, you can walk through each day, learning, growing, and changing. That dream is not unattainable, it's just on hold as you fall madly in love with your Savior.
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