Sad......

Today I am sad. I haven't done anything except think about the past 7 years of my life and everything I could have done different. I wish I would have listened to me ex's sister about two years into my relationship. Things weren't going great with us and I had talked to her about it and told her I had made my bed and now I had to lay in it. She said no you don't and I so wish I would have listened to her and walked out then. From then on, the relationship went down hill. I was about 3 months pregnant when we had went out to dinner and he flat out told me that he really didn't want to have a baby...he had just told me that so I would stop crying the day after my miscarriage. What do you say? I could feel the lump forming in my throat and the tears starting to form. I was so hurt by what he had just said. Do you just get up and walk out..would that have been the right thing to do then? All I could think about was my unborn child already having the same road paved for her that I had. I didn't want that for her. I wanted so much more for her so I sat there and sucked it up. I was determined to have that family that I had always dreamed of for my little girl. I did everything I could but when you are the only one doing anything, you really start to get tired. I am sad, mad, angry and hurt because I worked so hard for NOTHING. I could have gotten up from that table, poured the glass of water over his head and walked out the door and still came out ahead of where I am now.

Moving On......

Last night a friend of mine told me that I would find the strength to get through this mess of a life I have right now...later on I sat and thought about this and came to this conclusion......

How can I find the strength to go on if I can't find the strength to let go?

I have so much in my past that haunts me and paves the road before me. Through my recent struggles I guess I have had a really hard time letting go of my dream. That dream would be a family. I didn't really have a "family" type setting while growing up and I wanted that for my little girl. I stayed in a terrible relationship for too long trying to make it work so that way she wouldn't have to go through what I did. I know now that I should have left a long time ago and we both would be better off now. Instead, I hung on and sucked it up, dealt with humiliation, hurt, anger and lonliness only to end up without that dream. I am scared to start over, to let go and let it be. I am scared my daughter will never know what a true family is and it saddens me. I lie awake at night praying that God will provide for us and let me be the Mom, the person, that I need to be for my daughter and myself but right now...I just feel alone in this world. I have no idea what my next step is or where I am going. I pray that I find the answers soon because I feel like giving up, throwing in the towel but I know that I can't do that and I am reminded of that each time I look at my little girl. I hope God gives me the strength and helps me see where I am supposed to be headed.