360 Degrees

My daughter has been away since last Friday with her dad on a trip to Pennsylvania. It's the longest time we have been a part and the furtherest. I had no idea how I would deal with the trip and all and I must admit I have done better than I thought. Atleast I didn't get in the car and drive up there on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday like I wanted to. I knew she needed this time with her dad as well as needing to see her family up there. But what a week it was for me!!!! I think God spent a lot of time with me this past week and made me open my eyes to so much that I was trying to close them to. He took me back quiet a bit in time and made me see what I had done and what I continued to do. It hurt. I don't think I have cried that much...ever. I wanted to reach up and turn the time back on the clock....but I couldn't. I couldn't undo all of the hurt that I had impeded on friends and family. I was hurt, too, but it was repercussions of the pain I had inflicted and probably deserved on some part. I let my past control everything that I was doing and I lost control. My past has paved the road I have traveled for the most part. There were times when it didn't but pretty soon it pulled me back over to where it thought I should be. I wasn't strong enough to get over it, to forgive and forget, to stand on my own two feet...so I fell back to it's comfort. The comfort of thinking "this is just how my life is going to be" and "there's no use in trying...you are stuck" and "nothings ever going to change". After this week, I know I don't want my life to be that way anymore. I am ready to move on and move past my dreaded past. I know it will always be there and I will always remember it but I am ready to just remember it, not live in it. Wish me luck!